What Can You Say?

09 Sep

This post is intended to spark an emotion in the reader…a deep compassion that most of us would sooner bury than to even know it exists in us.  For some, this will hit harder than they could realize.  For others, it will be very unexpected but I ask you, what can you say…to a mother, a father who has lost their baby?  Especially, if you personally have not experienced such a tragedy.  I’m sorry for your loss?  I feel your loss?  I feel your pain?  No, these will never truly comfort.

Baby Kasen

Baby Kasen


What if I told you there’s nothing you can say that will comfort someone who has lost their baby?  What to do…what to do?

As a Christian, I believe and fully understand that all the babes belong to Christ Jesus — they belong to God.  I understand that there may be some concious-level insight that a baby passing at the age of just a couple of months, or even sooner, will never have to deal with the pains and vulgarities of this world — perhaps I would find a little comfort in that knowledge if I had lost my child.  But it doesn’t make the grieving any better, does it?

As an outsider, of course, I will find myself in very few situations where I may experience speaking to someone who has just lost a baby but it happens to people all over the world, every day of life.

I never met and don’t know Angie nor did I ever see, hold or bounce on my knee her baby boy, Kasen.  So, really, what could I say that would make it better?

Kasen was just shy of a few months.  It is my understanding that he soon would’ve had surgeries to correct his parted upper lip.  There was every indication that he would’ve led a wonderful life with his big brother, Hunter.  Alas, it is not to be.

What can an olderly guy like me do?  I can pray for their family.  I can pray that God fills their hearts and minds with some assemblance of comfort in knowing that Kasen is in the Best Arms in the universe.  I can pray that their lives are not overcome by debilitating grief and despair because of their loss.  I can pray that their loved ones, their family and friends do not fade away from them in their time of grief because they do not know what to say.  How many times do we shrink away from being there for someone because we are so overcome by what has happened to them that we can’t function properly when we are in their company?  Friends, these are the times we must be strong.

I would suggest that we do not have to interject ourselves into their grief time but that we just let them know we are available when and if they need us.  Perhaps a note expressing our love and letting them know that we’re here when they’re ready.  Thing is, we need to ensure we are here for them, when they’re ready.  I think the best thing we can do, is be the best friend we can during everyday life so that when a tragedy, such as the loss of a loved one happens, our family and friends know we love them and will help in anyway we can.

Personally, I’m almost 3,000 miles away but Angie is a friend of my daughter, someone who did hold him and squeeze him and love him.  There’s not much I can personally do to comfort someone I do not know, about a specific loss I have not experienced.  I have prayed for their family and I did donate to their gofundme burial fund.

I know, it’s not much but what can I say?


  • 1 John 3:23 (NLT)

    And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us.

Child loss grief support (not all inclusive):


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3 responses to “What Can You Say?

  1. shopgirlanonymous

    September 9, 2015 at 17:22

    This is my biggest nightmare every night and every waking moment. I check the babes constantly in their cribs, I call the doctor if there is so much as a sniffle. My granny lost my Uncle to SIDS…terrible loss at six months. I ran into an “olderly” woman this summer who took my newborn daughter in her arms, and she rocked her for nearly an hour. She patted Keely’s bottom and smiled up at me, “My child died the crib death.” And that was that. She didn’t frown or miss a beat. She didn’t bat an eye or take a moment of silence. In fact she just kept on with the pace of the conversation and the rhythm of her rock.

    I told my husband later that night how amazed I was at the strength of that woman. I told him if I ever lose my babies my world will completely close up on itself and end. He explained to me (the agnostic) that she was a strong christian woman, and that her faith gave her that strength. Her belief that her baby is in better hands makes the days less painful.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. chuck

    September 11, 2015 at 10:28

    appreciate the thoughts Jay



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